Attachment styles & happily ever afters
In an episode of the American sitcom Friends, Chandler, who has commitment issues due to family trauma, tries to talk Phoebe’s boyfriend Gary out of moving in with her because if he moved in with her, “Phoebe will always be there”. When Gary responded, “I know! I can’t wait!” Chandler immediately asked, “Were your parents happy or something?”
One might wonder how being in a loving committed relationship is associated with a person’s maternal or paternal relationship but his response is actually based on a psychological theory that was recently popularised on TikTok called “attachment style”. British psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby came up with this theory in the 1950s which categorises people’s attachment into four different styles – anxious, avoidant, disorganised and secure. Bowlby’s theory suggests that it is an innate nature that children form attachments with others because this will help them survive, and the attachment style was heavily dependent on the response their caregiver provided when they were little.
According to The Attachment Project, a person with an anxious attachment style (also known as preoccupied) craves relationships, intimacy and love because when he or she was little his or her caregiver provided an inconsistent parenting pattern. The person may be flirty and love attention, so he or she tends to have a hard time being single. However, when an anxiously attached person gets into a relationship, the individual starts to experience fear of rejection, jealousy and distress.
Meanwhile, a dismissive or avoidant attachment style person is often seen as independent, assertive and self-sufficient. The person might grow up in an environment where his or her basic and emotional needs are not met, resulting in having a hard time trusting people. Despite their sociable personality, they usually date many people but lose interest as soon as the partner tries to connect with them on a deeper and more emotional level.
However, the worst of all is the disorganised or fearful avoidant attachment style, which is a result of childhood trauma or abuse. A person with this attachment style may initially present themselves as confident, attractive and exciting but they also have a hard time bonding and opening up to others because the process of getting to know and trust a potential partner might be painful, confusing and distressing.
It goes without saying that the most ideal attachment style is secure – a person who is comfortable with proximity and autonomy. The person is likely to have grown up in a family where attention and care were provided when needed. A securely attached person can easily open up and be straightforward about their feelings, therefore he or she is usually warm and easy to connect to and fancied by others. In other words, a person who is securely attached usually feels comfortable approaching and bonding with potential partners.
Obviously, if utopia existed, everyone would be securely attached but in reality, according to a New York Times article by Foster Kamer, only 56 percent of people fall into the secure category, while 20 percent are anxious, 24 percent are avoidant and around 3-5 percent are disorganised.
In a 1995 romantic drama film Before Sunrise, Jesse said, “Everyone’s parents f****d them up. They either left them or stuck around and taught them the wrong stuff. Rich kids’ parents give them too much, poor kids’ not enough. You either get too much attention or not enough.” The attachment theory manifests Jesse’s quote but as the children of our parents we have the power to not let our experience be a reason to punish others.
Those who are not securely attached tend to fall into a bad relationship cycle, as Kate Murphy said in her news analysis with The New York Times that “people who have insecure attachment models tend to be drawn to those who fit their expectations, even if they are treated badly. They may subconsciously act in ways that elicit insensitive, unreliable or abusive behaviour, whatever is most familiar. Or they may flee secure attachments because they feel unfamiliar.” However, we do have the power to break the habit of falling for the wrong person.
Attachment style is not irreversible as psychologist William Chopik and his team said in a research article titled “Longitudinal Changes in Attachment Orientation Over a 59-Year Period” that “like other aspects of personality, attachment style is relatively stable through life, but that it is not entirely fixed, and in particular that it may be shaped by our relationship experiences, as well as the varied social demands of different life stages’’. Of course, being one of the insecure attachments is not the end of the world, as Chopik’s research shows that “being in a close romantic relationship tended to go hand in hand with scoring lower on attachment anxiety and avoidance”.
Disney fairy tales idealise the concept of being in a relationship by always ending stories with “happily ever after”, yet what they fail to pinpoint is that in order to work out a relationship, it takes a lot more than affection. In my opinion, it is crucial to have sufficient understanding of each other’s flaws and attributes as well as their attachment style to build a close bond.
As Shakespeare once said in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, “the course of true love never did run smooth”. I believe by knowing your attachment style one will be able to have a better method to approach a relationship. It will take a lot of effort for an anxious attachment person to trust their partner. It will take a lot of time for an avoidant attachment person to open up their emotions. It will definitely take a lot of love to turn a disorganised person into a securely attached partner. Yet, the time, effort and love invested in a relationship is the ingredient for the Hallmark fantasy of “happily ever after”.
Photo courtesy of Unsplash
